Dear Seattle Kraken, Your New Mascot Is All Wrong

Dear Seattle Kraken,

A team mascot is like a joke. If you have to explain why the joke is funny, it's not funny. Likewise, if you have to explain why your mascot is a good choice, despite having no thematic connection to your team, it's not a good mascot for your team.

Yes, it's cute that "Buoy," as you call him, is supposedly the nephew of the Fremont Troll. But what does that have to do with Kraken? Or any kind of sea-life? Has a troll ever even seen the ocean?

The Choice for a Kraken Mascot was Clear

Sometimes what you should choose for a mascot is not obvious. I get it. But this squid was staring you right in the face - literally. Look out at your fans, look at their tentacled face masks, t-shirts and hats. Heck, look at your team logo. And your name, for puck sakes, is Kraken.

Octopi are Cute, Too

Do you not think Octopi can be appealing and marketable? That's a lack of imagination not shared by Hanna-Barbera (Squiddly Diddly), Nickelodeon (Squidward), and any 1st grade teacher's digital clip-art collection.

A quick Google search of "cartoon octopus images" brings up a plethora of Cephalopod options. To my surprise, even Bing gets this search right.

Were the Kraken Worried About That Other Octopus?

What. Went. Wrong?

Is it because the Detroit Redwings have an Octopus mascot? Big deal.

If sharing the same species of mascot were forbidden, every school sports team calling themselves the bulldogs would be without one. Instead, like McDonalds, they're everywhere.

You're the Kraken. You should be the team swinging your tentacles around. Besides, your mascot wouldn't be an octopus, it would be the mythical Kraken. So much more powerful than a mere Octopus. And if they look similar, so what? That would just stir up some healthy, competitive rivalry between fans.

Red Wings Fans: "We had it first!"

Me: Yeah, that's because management screwed up your mascot, too. "Al" is neither red, nor does he have wings.

Other Sea Mascots the Kraken Could Have Considered

But let's take Octopi off the ocean floor for a moment. There are still plenty of other sea creatures to choose from: Starfish, clams (shout-out to Ivar's), whales. Notably, none of these are trolls.

What about a simple fish? The Redwings throw Octopus onto the ice, you could have the fish throwers from Pike's Market throw fish around on the ice.

I get why geoducks were not considered. They just look offensive.

Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A Pirate Mascot for Me

How about a pirate? Kids love pirates, don't they? And Seattle's Sea Fair is loaded with Blackbeard and Long John Silver cosplayers, so there must be at least one among them who can skate.

Show Lovecraft Some Love

Even a giant bobble-headed likeness of H.P. Lovecraft, the author who created pop-culture's best known Kraken-ish creature, Cthulhu, would make more sense.

So how - how on earth did you get this so wrong? I can only come to the conclusion that management have been hit in the head with a puck too many times. Because a troll? It boggles the mind.

A Plan of Action for the Kraken

Look, I believe everyone deserves a second chance. So you can still get this right by rolling out an actual Kraken mascot later this season. Or, worst case scenario, next season. You can call him "Squeeze" or "Squeezy."

If you insist on being stubborn, use one of the other thematically appropriate choices listed above.

I'm not saying you should retire "Buoy." Just put them under a bridge where they belong.

And then release the Kraken.

Wishing you a great season,

Dan