Bikini Baristas won a major victory this week against the City of Everett, an area apparently being terrorized by boobs.

Yes, boobs, those soft, round fleshy things attached to the chest area of the human female. 

And a few dudes who drink too much soy milk.

And it's really too bad, because boobs bring so much joy to so many: babies, men - even other women.

Most places that offer to "start your day with a smile" are referring to the plastic grin corporate forces them to wear on their faces.

At a Bikini Barista coffee stand, it's the customer who is smiling. And don't we all deserve to start our day with a smile? It feels good!

Anyway, the City of Everett tried to impose a dress code for Bikini Baristas under the city's lewd conduct ordinance, even though the Bikini Baristas are indoors, hidden to everyone but their customers.

You really can't see them if you're driving by at 25+ mph. Lord knows I've tried.

And their conduct is brewing espresso, so... The Bikini Baristas sued the City of Everett.

The Gears of Justice Grind Slowly

This legal battle has been going on for a while.

  • 2017 - Judge issues preliminary injunction banning the City of Everett from enforcing the dress code.
  • 2019 - 9th Circuit Court of Appeals allows city to implement dress code.
  • 2020 - Bikini Baristas file to be heard by the Supreme Court (this is just like School House Rock - with bikinis). The Supreme Court didn't hear the case - perhaps too busy plotting to take away a woman's right to choose.
  • 2022 - U.S. District Court in Seattle rules that Everett's dress code for Bikini Baristas is unconstitutional.

Congratulations to Hillbilly Hotties and the Bikini Baristas of Everett, Washington.

We salute you.

What's the Problem with Bikinis Anyway?

This is the eternal question. Why is it a problem for women to wear a bikini and serve coffee?

Women can go to the beach and wear a bikini with no hassle from authorities or "concerned citizens." Because people expect to see bikinis at the beach.

But how far from the beach can you get before it's not okay to wear a bikini? And who says so?

You know, women in Iran are currently protesting for the right to keep their hair uncovered. I realize it's not exactly the same, except for the repressive part.

And, you know, it still feels un-American in a "baby-steps to the Handmaid's Tale" kind of way.

B-B-But It's Not Just Bikinis - They Wear Lingerie, Too

Have you been to a fashion show before? Or a pop music concert?

Hell, have you seen the display windows at Victoria's Secret?

Quit hassling these ladies and let people get their legalized speed - and a smile - from a beautiful woman who's making bank in tips.

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